BLOWING IN THE WIND

I stood out in a field today near our house…just staring up at the sky.  A breeze blew across my face and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Something about this time of year makes me nostalgic.  This time of year makes me hurt deeper…feel heavier…ache longer.  As the snow begins to melt and the days get longer and the world prepares to rise again…I unknowingly find myself standing in my own deep winter; buried in memories of past grief and loss.

And it’s made me think a lot about rejection lately; about conflicts gone unresolved…relationships broken apart…memories left tainted.

I don’t try to find myself here…it just happens.  As surely as the sun rises…the wind always makes its way back and carries a piece of me with it.

I remember enduring my first real heartbreak just after university and feeling as though I would never be whole again.  As though the hurt would forever change who I was.  Of course – we bounce back.  We always bounce back.  The human spirit enables us to rise from the ashes and heal the broken pieces of ourselves.  We learn…we grow…we start to become the person we were always meant to be.  But some days – some seasons – past hurts just rush forward again and I find myself struck by the undying ache that often comes with saying goodbye.

I don’t sit well through the discomfort of rejection.  I try to negotiate it…I try to romanticize it…I try to rationalize it.  But I don’t sit through it.

Because it hurts.

Because rejection brings to the surface some of my deepest and darkest insecurities.  Because rejection opens me up to some of the scariest things I’ve ever believed about myself.  Because rejection leads me down a rabbit hole that I’ve spent my entire life trying to climb out of.

I used to beg God to take away my agony…my darkness…my deep wounds that never seemed to heal.  I used to plead with Him to bring me validation from the person who hurt me so that I could move on with life feeling like I was “enough” again.  I just needed Him to tell me how to make things right again…so I could be free from the shame of having made it all wrong.

Because that’s what rejection was for me; it was someone else holding the gun…while I handed them the bullets.

And it never once occurred to me that it didn’t have to be like that.

Until one day, it did.

Until one day, I stood in a field…unclenched my fist…and dropped the bullets on the ground.

Until one day, I decided to give myself the permission…the forgiveness…and the grace I had been waiting for all along.

Because here’s the thing…

I can’t control whether or not I’m “enough” for someone else. I can’t control whether or not I’m pretty enough or funny enough or smart enough or giving enough.

Most of all…I can’t control who stays and who walks away.

I can only love and care and breathe and place my armour gently on the ground for those who are standing in front of me.

And the moment I realized this, a strange thing happened; the hurting didn’t stop…the sting didn’t go away…the dull ache didn’t just drift with the wind.

But it did stop holding me hostage.

And instead, it began to act as a beautiful reminder…a reminder that bravery happened at the site of such lingering pain.

Because being a human is scary sometimes.  And in this life, filled with other scared humans and lots of scary uncertainty…it’s a true act of courage to open yourself up to another person and let yourself be seen.

So today, I will not run from it.  Today, I will sit with it.

Maybe we can converse.  Maybe we will write together.  Maybe it has a story to tell.

Maybe I will let it remind me that all roads…all pain…all hurt…led here.  To a beautiful place…with bullets on the ground…and grace blowing in the wind.

 

 

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  1. Kara Haushalter says:

    Oh, how I could echo your beautiful words. Blessings!

  2. Trisha LaCoste says:

    I love this. ❤️

  3. Lisa Dardin Tettimer says:

    Lovely

  4. Lynda Roehl says:

    I can’t even explain how beautiful this is to me. It’s like you took my thoughts and my feelings and my fears and wrote them down for me to see even though this isn’t about me. Thank you so much for posting this <3

  5. Caroline Conley says:

    Beautifully written

  6. Susan Dickson Houser says:

    “Because being a human is scary sometimes. And in this life, filled with other scared humans and lots of scary uncertainty…it’s a true act of courage to open yourself up to another person and let yourself be seen.” I feel like the universe is speaking to me. Last week stumbled upon a Ted talk by brene brown about vulnerability & today this. Ok, Ok…I’m listening. Wonderfully worded. Thank you

  7. France Walsh says:

    I find myself in your words. What a lovely pen you have. Thanks for sharing

  8. Cynthia Wakefield Rozeira says:

    I have been in that same spot. Learning to drop the bullets is hard work. That you for your bravery and sharing your story.

  9. Halyna Kinasevych says:

    We are not alone in these struggles. Thank you and bless you for reminding me of this. <3

  10. Judy Hampson says:

    So powerful!

  11. Katie Sullivan says:

    Love this. Such wisdom.

  12. carmen says:

    This post, this awesome amazing post, came at the most perfect of times. In the middle of reading One Way Love by Tullian Tchividjian and it occurred to me the other day, I do not have to continue punishing myself for those who have walked away and I do not have to punish myself for those who chose not to love me in a positive manner. The words you have written and shared today are like the final sign to let it go on the wind and move on with loving and respecting myself. Thank you.

  13. Barbara Womack says:

    Lovely imagery! I’m learning to “drop the bullets”…

  14. Lori Barlow Wright says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart. This has been on my heart lately. I’ve tried to fill the words on my FB page, Be the light, yet can’t find the words. Thank you for saying just what I’ve felt! Your words and heart are beautiful. ❤️

  15. Kay Dodd Stokes says:

    Love your writing. Another beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

  16. Jazzmine Butler DeForest says:

    You truly have a gift in writing. I love reading your words. They cut right to the heart.

  17. Brooke Silvester says:

    I wanted to reply on Facebook but since I can only follow you, it won’t let me. That’s driven me crazy more than once. I needed to be part of this conversation here; Not because I had anything significant to say, but because I needed to join in a sort of fellowship and be seen as a part of something instead of a silent and invisible participant. This is real. And we’re all in it. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  18. Incredibly beautiful post. So much of what you wrote is relevant to the season that I am in right now in my life. Thank you for this.

  19. Wendi Wagner Burke says:

    Oh my, this is so good. This is me.. Thank you, needed this today!

  20. Lisa Layfield Sherman says:

    Expressed so well…love this!

20 Comments on BLOWING IN THE WIND

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